Beginning to Process Grief

In the face of the death of someone we love, particularly the death of a child, we can expect to feel a range of emotions such as sadness, confusion, anger, disbelief, and numbness. While we all face similar feelings, each person's grief response is as unique as we are. The following are ways that both you and your family can take some positive steps in the face of loss.

• Go to the memorial service. The service we will be having for Hailey on Saturday will be intentionally kid friendly. There will be a special message just for the kids, lots of music and some practical ways to find hope in the face of loss. It will be a great way to remember Hailey, celebrate her life, and receive resources to provide comfort and hope in the face of loss.
  
• Light a candle to remember and share memories and feelings. (Hailey loved lighting the candles at the beginning of worship services at Spring of Life to remind us that God – the Light of the World – is with us now through the presence of the Holy Spirit.)
  
• Sad isn't bad. Being sad is normal. We're sad because we love and have a real loss.
  
• Draw a picture or write a letter to Hailey sharing your feelings and memories. We have a booklet called "Remembering my Someone Special" at Spring of Life that you can drop by and pick up. It is a helpful tool for talking to your kids who are 6-12 years of age. We've got another resource for younger kids as well. We will also be creating a scrapbook of pictures, drawings, letters, etc that we will bind and give to the Collins to keep to remember Hailey. You can bring your contribution to the scrapbook by the church anytime.
  
• Make a memory box that you can put things in that remind you of Hailey.
  
• Write a prayer that includes your feelings – sad, mad, glad, scared. It's ok to tell God exactly how you feel. The writers of the book of Psalms did it all the time.
  
• Participate in raising funds for Hailey's Hopes and Hugs Foundation
  
• Allow yourself to have fun and laugh when the time comes. You don't need to feel guilty because the first person who would have joined in the fun and laughter was Hailey.
  

There are some important life lessons that we can learn through this time. There are some well-meaning things that we might think are helpful but really are not. Here are some of those things:

• Saying, "She's in a better place so we shouldn't be sad." Really, by faith we believe that Hailey is not hurting anymore and that she is with God in a new way that none of us really understand. But our loss is still very real and being sad is a natural feeling God gives us to deal with losing someone we love.
  
• Saying, "God must have needed her more than we did." Or "God must have needed another angel in heaven." Really, God didn't cause Hailey to die. Cancer did. God didn't give Hailey cancer. We aren't sure how she got it. It is just one of those things that happens that we don't understand. Our faith teaches us that one day we will rise from the dead like Jesus when he comes again in final victory. We will have new resurrection bodies that will never die. All this is a gift from God through Jesus. It is God's will that we be healed and well which not only means personally feeling well, but also being in community with one another. This is why God makes such a big deal about forgiveness. That is the way God heals community. God will find ways to take this horrible loss and use it for his purposes, just like God took the horrible death of Jesus on the cross and used it for his purpose to bring new life to the world.
  

If you don't really know what to say then that's ok. In the face of Job's great loss the best thing his friends did was sit with him and weep without saying a word for seven days (See Job 2:11-13). It was when they opened their mouth that things went south. If you are looking for something to say, then say how you feel rather than trying to say something clever. It's always good to say "I love you." Or share about a memory of Hailey that you will always remember. But remember that it is your presence and friendship that will mean the most at this time.

A Lament in the Context of Enduring Faith

Nicolas Wolterstorff's son died when he was 22 and he writes about his grief and loss in the book, "Lament for a Son." Wolterstorff writes this, "I must explore The Lament as a mode for my address to God. Psalm 42 is a lament in the context of a faith that endures. Lament and trust are in tension, like wood and string in a bow."
When a child dies, it is an unspeakable loss for a parent. There are no answers to our questions, "Why them and not me? Why a child when there is so much life unlived? Why would God watch them die and do nothing? Why would God watch us suffer such loss?"
Still more unspeakable a loss is to say, "There must be no God since my questions have no answers." Perhaps the faith we once had will never be the same. But like a tree whose leaves turn in the fall, drop in the winter and bud again in the spring, our faith can be born anew – similar in shape, but altogether new, different, changed by time, age, death and life.
In the midst of our own loss, we might find ourselves drawn to others who have walked this path ahead of us. I want to quiz them like I would someone who is exiting a frightening roller coaster. "You survived?! What was it like? If you made it, do you think I'd make it?"
The Bible is filled with the witness of those exiting the roller coaster and making their way by the Spirit of God onto the next one which carries yet untold adventure. The words are a tension of lament and trust.
I couldn't imagine walking the path of lament in any other context than enduring faith. Maybe it isn't always "my" faith. Sometimes it is the faith of others - others who believe and trust when I can't, like the church and Jesus himself.
A quote from mother Teresa that has helped me pray through the years comes to mind: "When times come when we can't pray, it is very simple: if Jesus is in my heart, let Him pray, let Him talk to His Father in the silence of my heart. Since I cannot speak, He will speak; since I cannot pray, He will pray."
The writer of Psalm 42 says, "My tears have been my food day and night. I remember," he says, "how it was when joy was still my lot, how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. Now it's different. I am downcast, disturbed. Yet I find that faith is not dead. So I say to myself, 'Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.' But then my grief returns and again I lament to God my Rock: 'Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy? Again faith replies: Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."
Wolterstorff reflects on this Psalm: "Back and forth, lament and faith, faith and lament, each fastened to the other."
A lament in the context of faith that endures. Through a veil of tears we can say, "Thanks be to God."

Better Ways to Be a Fool

Last Sunday I preached a sermon on the church's understanding of Jesus' coming again to judge the living and the dead. In many ways it was a response to the group of Christians who have been publicizing that they have pinpointed Jesus return to judge the world this Saturday, May 21 at 6:00 p.m.

As I explain in the sermon last week, the Bible does say Jesus will return, but it also says we don't know when. Everyone who has predicted a day and time of Jesus' return in the past has ended up wrong and looking like a fool. In some ways this reminds me of old wounds from Junior High School. I don't like looking like a fool. And whether I like it or not, I'm guilty by association. If, Jesus hasn't appeared by 6:01 p.m. on Saturday, then once again followers of Jesus come off looking naive, paranoid, manipulative, untrustworthy and well . . . foolish.

Of course it shouldn't take long for followers of Jesus to realize that looking like a fool comes with the territory. The apostle Paul knew as much when he said to the church in Corinth: "We proclaim Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles."

If I'm going to be a fool for Christ, I want to be a fool for better reasons than claiming to know something only God knows. Or for burning someone else's holy book. Or for proclaiming God's hatred for people because of their lifestyle. The world sees all those things as foolish (because they are), but I think there are better reasons for Christians to be a fool.

Why not let's be fools for loving our enemies and praying for those who persecute us. Let's be fools by resisting the "me first," consumer culture by living within our means and giving generously to others. Let's be fools by refusing to participate in gossip at work. Let's be fools for refusing to look at porn. Let's be fools by not having sex before we get married and then when we do only with our spouse. Let's be fools by using vacation time to serve the poor, widowed, orphaned and strangers in our land. Let's be fools by choosing to do the work God calls us to rather than what might make us more money or make a name for ourselves. Let's be fools by speaking the truth in love.

Yes, being a fool goes with the territory, but let's be fools for Jesus sake.

When the Sermon Doesn’t Seem Like it’s for You.

I got to brag about my church this week. I meet with a group of other clergy guys about three times a year for a couple of days. We call it our "covenant group." There are six of us who all serve different United Methodist Churches in Florida. We've been getting together like this for 13 years. My friendship with these guys will be one of the reasons I'll make it to retirement in the ministry (if I should be so blessed to live that long). They inspire me. They make me laugh. They keep me honest. They hold me accountable to be who God called me to be.

This week they listened to me brag about how 60 people in my church made 6 very significant commitments for living in financial peace for a lifetime. Those commitments are:

1. Acknowledge daily that 100% of my resources belong to God.
2. Assign every dollar a name – to spend it on paper and on purpose first (in other words live on a budget).
3. Eliminate debt and live debt-free.
4. Train my children to handle money God's way.
5. Save and Invest.
6. Give a tithe.

SIXTY people made a commitment to God that they would do all six of those things. SIXTY PEOPLE! The average congregation of 180 adults in North America has about 6 people who do all those things.

I also got to brag that 59 people worked for the last 90 days to reduce their consumer debt by nearly $281,000 and saved $92,000. And I got to brag that my church has begun 8 new ministries in our community since the end of last year. And 30 couples renewed their wedding vows in worship a few weeks back. For some of those couples that was the first time they had made marriage vows with God at the center.

I am so proud of the hard work that my church has done to get to this point!

But it also occurred to me that there are several people in my church who probably wondered how any of these recent sermons had anything to do with them. After all, we've got several single people at Spring of Life and we've got a few folks who had been living these 6 commitments to financial peace for a long time.

I honestly wouldn't have blamed them if they took the last three and a half months off from worship. In our culture we are formed to think about "what we're going to get out of it?" Or "what's in it for me?" And if we aren't going to "get anything out of it" then we consider it a waste of time and do something else.

Why on earth would anyone keep coming to worship and sit through three and a half months of sermons that really didn't directly address their issues? I think because they understand that coming to worship is as much about forming a community as it is about inspiring individuals.

The Apostle Paul spoke a lot about the church as "the Body of Christ." He said that we are all like different part of Jesus' body (fingers, toes, eyes, ears, hands, feet, arms, legs). While the hands are working and growing, the body still needs the rest of its parts to function well.

During these past three and a half months some body parts were working harder than others, but all their hard work was, in a significant way, made possible by those who quietly surrounded them with prayer, support and encouraging presence.

I know that there are times when I come to worship where I don't sing. I just listen to the voices of all those who are around me singing the songs of our faith. They don't realize it but their voices are carrying and lifting me higher than I would have been if I had just been there by myself in private devotion.

So I want to brag like Paul bragged about the people in his church when he said, "I thank my God every time I remember you, constantly praying with joy in every one of my prayers for all of you, because of your sharing in the gospel from the first day until now." Philippians 1:3-5

Whether you realize it or not – whether the sermons touched you or not – God has been using you to form a community that is stronger today than we were 90 days ago! Thanks for coming to worship.

The Barrenness of a Busy Life

A friend of mine started a new job recently. It was a promotion and took him in the direction of things he was passionate about and skilled to handle. And in an economy like this one where any job elicits gratitude, having one you enjoy too is like heaven. But now two months into it, the increased hours and energy are beginning to take their toll. He said, “I’m not sure how much longer I can keep up this pace!”


This morning a mother of four told me she was so busy with just one of her sons she was overwhelmed. He’s a talented athlete and is involved in sports at school and works out starting at 6:00 a.m. and gets to bed late every night. She said, “I’m not sure how I can keep up this schedule.”

All of us have 168 hours in a week. And in a culture where we have been used to getting loans or using credit to spend tomorrow’s dollars today, we have imagined that we can also spend next week’s hours this week. Living like this will suck the life out of us.

My third grade daughter recently learned about something called “Opportunity Cost” in her class at school. “Opportunity Cost” is an economic term that means if you spend money on one thing, you won’t be able to spend it on something else. What it comes down to is priorities.

You can’t do everything you want to do with your 168 hours. So what is it that God wants you to do? What is it that you need to say no to in order to say yes to God’s priorities?

If we don’t budget our time like we budget our money, we will go into debt. We will get sick. We will not have the life God intended for us.

What is it that you need to say no to in order to say yes to what God wants you to do?

Patiently Enduring

If you haven’t wanted to give up, you are either dead or haven’t lived long enough.

We aren’t that far from the days when we set hopeful (dare I say) realistic resolutions for the new year. We set goals to be more healthy by eating protein, veggies, fewer carbs and sugar. We set goals to exercise by training for a 5k, joining a friend at the gym once a week or going for a walk around the block 3 times a week. We set goals to change our unhealthy financial management practices by taking Financial Peace University. We set a goal to improve our spiritual health by worshipping every Sunday unless we are sick or out of town. We decide to live more simply and spend more time with our family.

Those are all good goals. And if you live long enough you will want to give up on them all at some point. Any number of things will happen to cause you to want to give up. You will lose your job. A family member will become ill. You will get injured. You will move. You will wonder if there is a God. Your spouse will announce that they want a divorce. You will have a baby. Daylight savings will end. You will lose your driver’s license. You (fill in the blank!).

Disappointment, unexpected circumstances, attacks from the forces of evil, life happening . . . however you put it. These things threaten our patient endurance. These things conspire to make us seasonal Christians – following Jesus when it’s easy or convenient.

But the Bible doesn’t know what a seasonal Christian is. There’s no such thing as a part-time Christian. And if we are full-time, then we must learn how to patiently endure the times when it would be easy for us to give up.

In every marathon, runners go through a bad stretch. Everyone, from the pros to the beginners, experiences it. Kara Goucher, pro marathon runner who ran her first in New York, said she couldn’t believe how painful the last 10k of the marathon was. She said, “I kept looking for a place to bail out, but the crowds were so deep and cheering so loudly that I couldn’t find a place to quit.”

I love that story because it is an image of how God dreams the church to work. During the stretches where we find it painfully difficult to patiently endure any longer, we find that the road is lined with witnesses who are so deep and cheering so loudly that we have a hard time finding a place to quit.

The Apostle Paul put it this way in his letter to the Corinthian Churches:

“So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace.” 2Corinthians 4:16 (The Message)

I pray that you experience the power of God’s unfolding grace to patiently endure today. God is making all things new!

Momentum Killers

What are the threats to living the life God created you for? What is it that threatens to kill any God-given momentum you may have?

How many times have you made a commitment to live a God-honoring life and a few short weeks or even days later you found the fire fading?

You said, "I'm all in." You prayed that prayer that John Wesley covenant prayer: "Lord, make me what you will. I put myself fully into your hands: put me to doing, put me to suffering, let me be employed for you, or laid aside for you, let me be full, let me be empty, let me have all things, let me have nothing. I freely and with a willing heart give it all to your pleasure and disposal. Amen."

And then life happens. You met with crisis, hurt, unmet expectations. The life of faith didn't seem to hold all the adventure that the preacher promised. All your momentum seems headed in the wrong direction.

These moments can be a time to leave or a time to learn.

Perhaps our first defense against momentum killers is to remember that following Jesus is for the long-haul. As Eugene Peterson put it in his book, A Long Obedience in the Same Direction, "We are obsessed with the immediate."

We are much more interested in quick fixes than long-term commitments. Rarely do you find someone who works the same job or lives in the same house for 30 or 40 years. More rare these days is to find a couple who has been married for 30 or 40 or more years. It's hard for us to imagine focusing on one thing that long. Too mundane! Too boring! Can't focus for more than 10 seconds on anything!

I think we will be very sad at the end of our days if we say, "I did so many things that I did nothing."

I'm not suggesting that God wants us to live boring , mundane lives. I am suggesting that we'll never know the real joy God has in store for us if we are unwilling to persevere through very difficult, sometimes mundane times in our walk of faith.

A second defense against momentum killers is developed by perseverance in a life of faith. In a word, it's forgiveness. At some point in your relationships you will get hurt and you will have a choice - harbor hatred and bitterness or forgive. Not choosing to forgive will kill any positive momentum in your life.

Forgiveness is not a feeling you get that makes everything alright. Forgiveness is not forgetting about the pain that was caused you. Forgiveness does not mean you trust someone who is not trustworthy. Forgiveness is a choice not to get even. Forgiveness is a choice not to hold the harm caused you against the person. It's a choice not to keep bringing it up in conversations. Forgiveness is a choice to love when love is not deserved or earned. Forgiveness is what God has done for you when you didn't earn it.

Forgiveness will kill momentum killers! It is one of the most powerful weapons God has given His people in the fight against evil, injustice and oppression. It will set you free. It is a primary ingredient to learning to live the "long obedience in the same direction."