Beginning to Process Grief

In the face of the death of someone we love, particularly the death of a child, we can expect to feel a range of emotions such as sadness, confusion, anger, disbelief, and numbness. While we all face similar feelings, each person's grief response is as unique as we are. The following are ways that both you and your family can take some positive steps in the face of loss.

• Go to the memorial service. The service we will be having for Hailey on Saturday will be intentionally kid friendly. There will be a special message just for the kids, lots of music and some practical ways to find hope in the face of loss. It will be a great way to remember Hailey, celebrate her life, and receive resources to provide comfort and hope in the face of loss.
  
• Light a candle to remember and share memories and feelings. (Hailey loved lighting the candles at the beginning of worship services at Spring of Life to remind us that God – the Light of the World – is with us now through the presence of the Holy Spirit.)
  
• Sad isn't bad. Being sad is normal. We're sad because we love and have a real loss.
  
• Draw a picture or write a letter to Hailey sharing your feelings and memories. We have a booklet called "Remembering my Someone Special" at Spring of Life that you can drop by and pick up. It is a helpful tool for talking to your kids who are 6-12 years of age. We've got another resource for younger kids as well. We will also be creating a scrapbook of pictures, drawings, letters, etc that we will bind and give to the Collins to keep to remember Hailey. You can bring your contribution to the scrapbook by the church anytime.
  
• Make a memory box that you can put things in that remind you of Hailey.
  
• Write a prayer that includes your feelings – sad, mad, glad, scared. It's ok to tell God exactly how you feel. The writers of the book of Psalms did it all the time.
  
• Participate in raising funds for Hailey's Hopes and Hugs Foundation
  
• Allow yourself to have fun and laugh when the time comes. You don't need to feel guilty because the first person who would have joined in the fun and laughter was Hailey.
  

There are some important life lessons that we can learn through this time. There are some well-meaning things that we might think are helpful but really are not. Here are some of those things:

• Saying, "She's in a better place so we shouldn't be sad." Really, by faith we believe that Hailey is not hurting anymore and that she is with God in a new way that none of us really understand. But our loss is still very real and being sad is a natural feeling God gives us to deal with losing someone we love.
  
• Saying, "God must have needed her more than we did." Or "God must have needed another angel in heaven." Really, God didn't cause Hailey to die. Cancer did. God didn't give Hailey cancer. We aren't sure how she got it. It is just one of those things that happens that we don't understand. Our faith teaches us that one day we will rise from the dead like Jesus when he comes again in final victory. We will have new resurrection bodies that will never die. All this is a gift from God through Jesus. It is God's will that we be healed and well which not only means personally feeling well, but also being in community with one another. This is why God makes such a big deal about forgiveness. That is the way God heals community. God will find ways to take this horrible loss and use it for his purposes, just like God took the horrible death of Jesus on the cross and used it for his purpose to bring new life to the world.
  

If you don't really know what to say then that's ok. In the face of Job's great loss the best thing his friends did was sit with him and weep without saying a word for seven days (See Job 2:11-13). It was when they opened their mouth that things went south. If you are looking for something to say, then say how you feel rather than trying to say something clever. It's always good to say "I love you." Or share about a memory of Hailey that you will always remember. But remember that it is your presence and friendship that will mean the most at this time.